SCHLOCK AROUND THE CLOCK - 15 HOUR MOVIE MARATHON

Brattle Theater – Cambridge, MA

2/17-2/18 2007

I was quite excited for the bad food, bad hygiene, bad posture, and especially the bad movies Saturday night at the Brattle Theatre in Cambridge, Massachusetts. When I was in high school one of my best friends Nick used to host, which he then dubbed, “Cheezeathons.” Essentially they consisted of inviting his friends over and having an all night movie marathon where he would show us the finest schlock, exploitation, and horror films he could dig up. While some of the films were of decent quality considering the Cheezeathon moniker (the first time I saw The Hills Have Eyes for example, was shown at one in 1986 if I remember correctly), others were wonderfully atrocious (Invasion of the Blood Farmers is for my money one of the best, worst films ever made that Nick introduced us to during a Cheezeathon).  I still have a particular soft spot in my blood pumper for the schlock, Psychotronic, B-movie or whatever you want to call them.

Nick introduced me to many masters of schlock which served as a catalyst for my interest and appreciation of the genre. I have continued to be a fan and discovered many auteurs of schlock on my own in the past several decades. In the late eighties Nick, myself and a few friends would venture to the Somerville Theatre where once a year the 24 hour Science Fiction/Horror movie marathon would be held (still is I believe). The quality of the films shown was very much to our tastes. For the science fiction category there was no chance of seeing Tarkovsky’s Solaris at the marathon. You could however expect to see gems like The Hideous Sun-Demon or The Crawling Eye instead of something the critics would faun over (which is rare for the two aforementioned genres anyway). The marathon was a true test of physical endurance and devotion to the films. Trying to stay up for twenty four hours straight in a dark theatre is not an easy task. The crowd, copious amounts of coffee, and the films shown made the marathons easier to endure but more than anything , fun. I was excited to try and relive the old glory days when I read about the 15 hour schlock marathon at the Brattle. This event would be easier to handle than the sci-fi marathon as it was a measly 15 hours straight (9:30pm Saturday to 12:30pm Sunday). I was excitedly anticipating a few titles I have not seen such as the Terror of Tinytown among other gems being shown.

The people responsible for the Schlock Around the Clock at the Brattle deserve a big hand for their choice of films, providing refreshments, overall friendliness and just for doing it in the first place. I’ll try to give you the best account of the films I saw but some of it is pretty hazy because of sleep deprivation among other factors. The films are as follows in the order they were shown at the S.A.T.C.

Shanty Tramp (1967)

Amazingly this was co-written by K. Gordon Murray who was known in the fifties, sixties and seventies for producing and distributing low-budget saccharine kiddie films, imported dubbed Mexican horror films, exploitation and horror films made in the good old U S of A. Shanty Tramp has to be one of the best of his stable. As an opening for the marathon it was perfect. Just the right amount of violence, horrendous acting, lame dialogue, and morally bankrupt characters to get the audience in the mood for the cheese that would be flowing for the next 15 hours.

The story centers on the dubious “Shanty Tramp” Emily who is the bimbo belle of the Bayou. Her father is a pathetic drunk and mommy is apparently nowhere to be found. The fact that the actress playing Emily looks like she is in her mid-thirties doesn’t jive with the script that portrays her as a spry hussy. Every scene she's in seems to be the least favorable take the director could have possibly included in the final cut; it’s as if the director had a beef with her and was purposely trying to torpedo her stock as an actress. While this theory is absolutely ridiculous, it may not seem so far fetched when one sees actress Lee Holland (the Shanty Tramp) perform. At a sleazy bar early in the film, she tries to seduce a young man with an alluring dance that’s derivative of that one kid in the Charlie Brown Christmas Special who dances by leading with her head. I found the result such a sexy turn on that I shot the soda I was drinking through my nose.

Brecht There is also some interracial seduction exercised by the Shanty Tramp. A local African-American guy keeps giving Emily the eye and his mother tells him to avoid her (Emily has a bit of a reputation in case you didn't understand from the movie's title). He can’t seem to stop lusting after her even though he knows she's trouble. Emily doesn't disappoint as she cries rape to the local rednecks after she purposely seduces and sleeps with him. This ploy generates a posse of crackers looking to lynch him as apparently, tramp trumps African-American in the creditability department of this bizarre world. Her motivation for doing this seems to stem from her being an unbelievably despicable person because it's simply her nature. A little Bertoltcharacterization nod Murray had in mind I’m sure. There is also a money grubbing preacher who fleeces the local townsfolk of their cash and also offers Emily some private late night “spiritual guidance.” The preacher (played by Hershel Gordon Lewis favorite Bill Rogers) sounds uncannily like actor Greg Holliman (Principal Onyx Blackman) of Strangers with Candy fame.

Troll 2 (1990)

Apparently every human character in this movie is color blind or embraces a Seussian philosophy of tolerance toward the aesthetically unappetising. The protagonist family of the film is constantly being offered various strange colored foods to eat by the evil residents of the town of Nilbog. Some of the questionable food items are bagels with bright green cream cheese and corn on the cob smothered with turquoise blue frosting. They nearly consume them all without a second glance at the bizarrely colored food. Unbeknownst to them these foods will make them dissolve via some sort of chlorophyll process that will somehow provide nutrients to the aforementioned vegetarian "people" of Nilbog (spell the town name backwards and appreciate the cleverness that is Troll 2). The film itself is pretty atrocious and difficult to make sense of, not so much what is happening, but why it’s happening. There are some very strange homosexual undertones that are treated with blasé indifference (some teen boys in the film sleep together in a camper, in the same small bed shirtless.) The kid who stars in the film is horribly annoying and had me rooting for the Nilbogians (?) to turn him into Miracle Grow. The Wonder bread father looked strikingly like the love child of Craig T. Nelson and Henry Rollins. The Nilbogians are defeated by the power of meat, specifically a bologna sandwich. Yes that’s right the antagonist's evil plans are thwarted by the cornerstone of Oscar Meyer’s lunch meats and children’s palates. Like I could make this stuff up? A truly fine, bad movie.

Wonder Woman (TV pilot film 1974)

If you’re like me and grew up in the 70s, when you think Wonder Woman, you think Linda Carter. Apparently before her the TV executives at ABC were thinking the same thing and not thinking Cathy Lee Crosby who starred in this TV pilot film. Cathy Lee Crosby’s Wonder Woman is quite a bit different from the iconic one we all know. The costume she wears shows much less skin, no golden lasso or bracelets, and C.L.C. has blonde hair. It seemed that this version of Wonder Woman didn’t really have any super powers to speak of, just keen gymnastic abilities and a great cardio regiment. Ricardo Montalban plays the heavy in the film but we never see his face for the first half of the film, though we hear him talk while he is filmed from behind giving orders to his goons. The mystery surrounding the true identity of this villain is pretty lame because unless you grew up a Pygmy in the rain forest you’re going to recognize Ricardo Montalban’s distinct voice. Additionally in the last half of the film there is a donkey in just about every scene. Yes a donkey. I’d try to explain what it’s doing in there but I’m short a few hits of acid of figuring it out myself. Advantage Linda Carter.

Barb Wire (1996)

It stars Pamela Anderson and her breasts. It’s like a sci-fi Casablanca with tits and gun fights. Pretty awful film and not very much fun to boot. The story really is ripped off from Casablanca so you have to admire the writers for having the huevos mas grandes to use one of the most beloved American films as a blueprint for the Anderson vehicle. I wonder if the Dark Horse Comic upon which the filmed is based is any good? Oh I almost forgot, Barb’s Rottweiler bites some dude on the nut-sack. Hilarious! Here’s looking at you Kid (Rock’s ex)!

Joysticks (1983)

Like Porky’s but with videogames. What Joysticks has in abundance 1) Breasts, 2) fart jokes, 3) Pac-Man scenes wipes. That’s right almost every time a scene ends, as the audience we know it because a huge animated Pac-Man moves across the screen complete with gobbling sound effects and transitions into the next scene. After the first few dozen times it gets pretty unbearable. As for the highlights there is a young topless woman playing Pac-Man, Joe Don Baker as the film’s heavy and some 80’s street punks acting out a Pac-Man game. The movie’s big climax is a videogame duel that has lots of girl onlookers cooing at the two guys playing Pac-Man against each other, complete with lots of close-up shots of the guys grunting, sweating and hands furiously manipulating joysticks. Read into it as much as you want.

Black Vengeance (aka “Poor Pretty Eddy” 1975)

Truly indescribable. Academy Award winner Shelly Winters turns in a role as an old burlesque performer, heading a group backward hicks indulging her bizarre fantasies. Leslie Uggams is tortured and enslaved in this bizarre southern setting that’s like a cross between a Bergman dream sequence, “Hee-Haw” and Deliverance. She also screams about sixteen-hundred times during the film. At one point in the movie Uggams' character is raped and the scene is intercut with one of the local inbred hicks watching two dogs in heat going at it while an upbeat county tune plays in the background (it’s a long way from “Hollywood Squares” and the Tony award ain't it Leslie). Slim Pickins makes an appearance as a Sheriff who is shall we say unsympathetic to Uggam’s rape testimony as he interrogates her (he tells her to “suck on one'a these tomatoes” during the questioning). To say that this movie is tasteless is like stating that outer space is big. I am still pretty fuzzy on many parts of this movie (thanks vicodin). If you ever get the chance to see this gem, do so. It’s dazzlingly atrocious.

The Magic Land of Mother Goose (1967)

Hershell Gordon Lewis brings us one of his only forays into producing a children’s film. This movie is as close to unwatchable as you can get. Essentially horrible actors portray characters from Mother Goose and act out the stories on a stage (it’s like you’re sitting in the audience of a horrible children's play). They also perform magic tricks just when you think it can’t get any worse. This was the only H.G.L. movie I've seen that didn't have one drop of fake blood. A real let-down. Upon the movie's completion the gentleman who ran the S.A.T.C. provided assorted sweet cereals, milk, plastic bowls and spoons for all patrons to enjoy. Generic brand Coco-Puffs never tasted so delicious. It was also time to change over to the 16mm projector at this point for the final two movies.

Bride of the Atom (aka Bride of the Monster, 1955)

What can you say about Ed Wood Jr. that hasn’t already been covered? Bride was a good one to show as I had never seen it in a theatre before and it came in at just a little over an hour running time. 16mm print wasn’t too bad. Always good to see Bela and Tor on the big screen no matter what the context. In all honesty this is for my money the least “bad” Ed Wood Jr. film he made in the 1950s. Very watchable and fun (of course I was sleep deprived and high at the time.)

The Terror of Tiny Town (1938)

This was the final film of the marathon and hands down the best all midget cast, western movie ever made. Yes, in case you have not heard of this infamous film it’s chock-full-o little people, which is a term preferred by them, in a simple western/cowboy plot. T.O.T.T. is very strange. There is a little person saloon chanteuse that has a Shirley Temple look going on with her hair and voice. Unfortunately she has a Rocky from the movie Mask look going on with her face. There are some fine examples of just how small midgets (ahem)…little people really are. The heavy in the film smokes a cigar that looks like it's the size of a banana compared to his head. The hero’s love interest at one point picks up a six shooter that may be a .38 or something but in her hands resembles Dirty Harry’s .44 Magnum hand cannon. To be honest I was fading at this point and I also had a nearly two hour drive back to western Massachusetts. I found the perfect opportunity to leave when in one scene all the bad guys are sitting around and plotting nefarious little people deeds to be done. The head villain tells one of his cronies who’s smoking a cigarette near a crate of dynamite “What are you stupid?!? You shouldn't smoke that.” I had to chime in aloud “Yea it will stunt your growth!” On that lame joke exclamation, I left the S.A.T.C. having too much coffee, sweet cereal, sleep deprivation, and especially guilty pleasure.